16-year-old abandoned on birthday weekend to study for school while parents take 13-year-old brother on vacation: 'It wasn't right of her parents to exclude her'

Author image for Brad Dickson
Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Nov 13, 2024 6:00 PM EST

Focusing on your kids' schooling and future is important, but it's easy to lose sight of the little things and moments along the way that are also important. Failing to nurture their unique skills and interests may cost them the chance to do something that they feel is fulfilling and rewarding and what they deem to be the success of their own lives. Also, pushing them too hard to be successful may be counterproductive and drive them into burnout, which takes years to recover from. Plus, we've spent the last 20 years pushing our kids into STEM degrees with a singular focus on success, and now some fields are so oversaturated it's impossible for new graduates to get jobs in the fields they have studied anyway without the proper networking and connections.

Besides, there's nothing like accidentally giving your kid a traumatic memory on their birthday that they're going to remember for the rest of their life. And this uncle drew the ire of his sister and brother-in-law when he pointed out to his 16-year-old niece that he didn't agree at all with her parent's decision to abandon her on her birthday.

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    Cheezburger Image 10428310016
    via Ahmet Kurt For Unsplash+

    Image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Image is for illustration only and subjects are models.

  • 02
    AITA for telling my niece it wasn't right of her parents to exclude her from a weekend trip when we were supposed to celebrate her birthday?
    via Equivalent_Sir4541
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    Edit: just wanna say, thank you, I appreciate all of you for weighing in. Also: wow, some of you are mean! It's ok, that's how internet works I guess, just wasn't expecting that many reactions. Thank you for caring and worrying about my niece and nephew, they're great kids and deserve the world. I'm having dinner with sister and dad (our dad) on Thursday, I will try to make her understand (though don't hold your breathe). And I'll continue to look out for the kids and be there for them.
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    TLDR: my sister and BIL took my nephew (M13) on a weekend trip to the mountains and excluded my (M30) niece (F16) because she had homework and they wanted her to attend a future- student event. I told my niece it was messed up of them to do so and my sister is now hurt and mad at me about it.
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    My niece turned 16 last Tuesday. Our family usually celebrates birthdays on the first weekend after the day. Kiddo ended up calling me asking if I could take her to a future student event her parents wanted her to attend as they'd be away. Later I learn that they were taking her brother, but not her. According to my niece the appartment they booked
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    would have been too small for all four of them, "and anyway we figured you wouldn't want to come since you have too much homework" (quoted from a conversation my niece rapported to me, said by her mother to her).
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    Niece seemed mostly chill about it, saying she would rather not go on family trips if she can skip them as they're often awkward. I told her that while I was glad she was taking it this way, it still wasn't right of her parents to have excluded her from the trip without even giving her the choice to come or not, especially
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    on her birthday weekend. To add insult to injury, the event wasn't even that important (most of the schools represented did not offer any program the kid was interested in), but when I brought it to her attention, she said "it's really important to mum that I go", to which I answered "not important enough to cancel her trip, apparently". That was salty of me, and might possibly make me TA.
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    Saturday went mostly alright, I took her to the event, then to the bookstore where I bought her a bunch of books as a birthday present, then to have the snack of her choice, and I got her sushis for dinner as it's her favorite. She thanked me for a lovely birthday weekend. We had dinner and slept over at my dad's (her grandad), and on Sunday morning we took her to the farmer's market to walk around
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    and have lunch. Her parents were sending her pictures of their trip and she was getting more and more depressed and anxious. By the time we dropped her off she seemed on the verge of an anxiety attack, so I texted my sister to let her know the kid wasn't doing great. She texted back thanking me for letting her know and reassuring me they were coming home on Monday and would have a neighbor check on her in the meantime.
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    Now it's Tuesday, and this morning I woke up to a text from my sister saying she was really hurt by what my father and I said to her daughter over the weekend, that she's been doing her best with her children, and that the reason why they didn't give her the choice to come in the first place was because they
    via Equivalent_Sir4541
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    knew she would have not been able to study properly while in the mountains, which would have stressed her. I still believe they should have just not gone, at least not on this specific weekend, however I may have been wrong to say so to the kid. AITA?
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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a hole: 1. I told my niece it wasn't right of her parents to go on a weekend trip without her, 2) and it hurt my sister's feelings, which might make me the a hle.
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    gymbr000 • 15h ago • Definitely NTA in my opinion, that is a messed up thing to do and what is even more messed up is the lack of awareness and accountability by the parents. If what they did was not hurtful then the kid would not be on the verge of an anxiety attack, sometimes when we're children we know that something is wrong and we can't control our feelings but we can't exactly
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    explain what is happening. And then when we realize we spend years in therapy trying to get over it. Maybe you could have discussed it with the parents more, or brought it to the child's attention in a more gentle way, to avoid traumatizing her even further.
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    • East Parking8340 15h ago. No. She already knew it was uncaring of them and she probably needed validation that she wasn't misjudging things. She also needed to be cherished and celebrated on her 16th birthday a milestone age - - something your sister (and by extension your BIL) didn't seem to really care about.
    via Equivalent_Sir4541
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    Your sister seems to have been grasping at any excuse to exclude her daughter and then rubbing it in by sending photos ('see what a wonderful time we're having without you' and 'you're missing all this because we didn't want you here with us'). It all seems very passive aggressive and you have to wonder what is going through your sister's mind. Is she jealous
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    of her own daughter? Is her son the golden child? You must wonder what other snubs your niece has endured (and will continue to endure). I know I do. I would actually suggest you try to find out. It must be difficult for your nephew too (as long as he's not a spoilt brat) to see his sister treated in such a manner. Sis and BIL stand the chance of alienating both children in one fell swoop.
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    It will be interesting to know if they have a college fund for her or will it only be spent on the son because he's male. The irony will be that she, as a woman, will be expected to take care of them in their dotage and yet the lack of care they seemingly have for her now is unlikely to elicit that. NTA but do try to get to the bottom of how they treat her.
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    HoldFast02 • 15h ago • NTA. Does your sister regularly give her son preferential treatment over her daughter? Because this feels like she does.
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    • Currency Backgroun... 14h ago. ESH but your niece. I've read your comments. You need to stop defending your sister's behavior and acknowledge it for what it is. The reason your niece has severe anxiety is your sister.
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    Stop enabling her and defending her. She's a grown adult not a child and you give way too much benefit of the doubt while simultaneously digging the knife into to your niece even further. What kind of parents just send their child away and refer to their anxiety attacks at "tantrums"? Terrible ones, that's who. You need to acknowledge that not only is this disgusting behavior by the parents but also yourself.
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    You allow them to dump your niece on you at the slightest inconvenience and then point it out to her like she isn't aware of it. The moment anyone says anything negative on here, you jump to your sister's defense. Why is her mental health more important than your niece's who's mental health that is being ruined? Why do you think she has such bad anxiety? How can you not see the correlation?
    via Equivalent_Sir4541
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    thearticulategrunt • 14h ago. NTA, fudge no NTA. Let me tell you brother, I'm 51M and was commonly discounted or discarded on my own birthdays. Usually so it "did not upset my cousins". It's likely no big deal to your niece because your sister's treatment of her already has started conditioning her to not mattering or being considered. It S ks and trust me, she will likely remember forever.
    via Equivalent_Sir4541
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    Ok Conversation9750 15h ago • • NTA. Your sister is showing everyone who the golden child is, and it's not your niece. To have booked a trip that they intentionally excluded her from on her bday weekend was beyond move. . It was a calculated
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    Beautiful_Sweet_86... 14h ago NTA "I still believe they should have just not gone, at least not on this specific weekend" | completely agree with this statement. Your an awesome uncle for sticking up for your niece and please continue to do so as it seems she needs someone in her corner. You need to tell your sister that she needs
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    to do better because her "doing her best for her kids" is not good enough when she is clearly failing her daughter and sending the pics of their trip just added insult to injury and there's no way possible that your sister had no idea what she was doing by sending them. Your niece is obviously an after thought to your sister.
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    NaryaGenesis • 14h ago • "Hope that excuse keeps you warm when she stops coming home for vacations and limits he time with you all and how much info you know about her life." Would have been my response. Your sister could have pushed the weekend to another week, could have geared the weekend to something her daughter wanted since it's her birthday. NTA.
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    Your sister is already alienating her daughter. The anxiety attack? It's because niece is struggling between what she actually feels and what she thinks she should feel. She knows this isn't right, knows they excluded her and knows this shows lack of care. All the things she said to you is simply a smoke screen because she thinks that voicing how she actually feels will likely result in a guilt trip by her mother. And her message to you makes it clear she's an expert at it.
    via Equivalent_Sir4541
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    Subsummerfun • 15h ago NTA. Your sis and bil need to check themselves.
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    mufasamufasamufasa 13h ago. • She doesn't feel bad for doing it, she feels bad because people noticed and called her out. NTA
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    aweemma 13h ago. You're NTA. Your concern for your niece is valid, especially since it was her birthday weekend. It's understandable that your sister is hurt, but it was important for you to stand up for your niece's feelings.
    via Equivalent_Sir4541
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    Zealousideal_Fail946 • 13h ago That girl has a creepy family. That is borderline ab ive. Hey - you can't come on this trip and it's your birthday but, instead we will send you pictures of us having a good time. And, they got mad at you for treating their daughter like a human being. I worry for that young lady and hope she can live with someone else until she is old enough to move out on her own.
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    • Cursd818 14h ago • NTA She should be hurt. She abandoned her daughter during her birthday and while she was having anxiety attacks about being left behind. She's not doing the best for BOTH of her children, and she SHOULD be told. If parental can't be good parents naturally, they should be shamed into it. Tell your sister she has a lot of ground to make
    via Equivalent_Sir4541
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    up for what she put her daughter through, and that her favouritism is dangerous to both children. Perhaps framing it as bad for her son as well will make her actually do something about it.
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    Freeverse711 14h ago • • NTA. But your sister and her husband sure is. What parent, leaving their kid behind because the house they rented was too small and she had homework and to make it worse it was on her birthday weekend. What lame excuses your sister gave, because that's all they are excuses.
    via Equivalent_Sir4541
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    theoldman-1313 13h ago • . Your sister is upset that you pointed out the obvious. Her daughter might not have known how to articulate the injustice. You did. Your sister knows that she is showing clear favoritism towards her son and is probably afraid that this story will become known among her friends. NTA
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    Storm101xx 14h ago. • This trip could have happened any weekend. She arranged it on a special weekend when her daughter could not attend on purpose. NTA
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    AHOY • Sensitive-Bug-881 14h ago • NTA But I wish you would've talked yo your sister about it first. It seems like maybe she wasn't upset until you said something. I agree with pointing out the favoritism to your sister though.
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    CAR_ID_com 14h ago. • • NTA. Maybe your sister and brother in law thought they were acting in your nieces best interests, but she obviously felt left out. You made those comments because you care.
    via Equivalent_Sir4541

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